Mizz Pickles

Mizz Pickles is a sweet older lady, always baking pies wearing her shawl and dispensing sage advice to the local folk in a quaint seaside town. She’s been around for years although no one knows where she’s from originally. Alas, Mizz Pickles has a secret that she hopes no one ever discovers: She’s really a man who fled from a murder scene, thinking himself to be guilty, and has been in hiding for years disguised as a woman to elude the Glascow Smile Gang. This show lampoons Robin William’s character in Mrs. Doubtfire and Mizz Pickles is played by someone who is obviously a man, with big hairy hands that seem to be constantly adjusting his jock under his frock.

Humor comes from the poker-faced town folk who look at this person and really think it’s a woman. The audience squirms and giggles at Mizz Pickles getting and trying to conceal an oversized erection when little Jimmy sits on her lap asking if dead pet turtles go to heaven. Other scenes involve Mizz Pickles shaving her back before Christmas dinner, cruising the park looking for sex and seeing the parish priest on his knees in the bushes holding “services,” etc.

An alternate premise is that Mizz Pickles really is a sweet old lady who made a magic wish to have part of her dying husband live on with her. She probably meant to keep his heart, but was too nonspecific with the wording of her wish, so she got his enormous schlong, which now grows on her body. Her husband’s soul lives on in the schlong, which has a little face and moustache and all of her husband’s good and bad habits. Mizz Pickles sometimes wakes in the night, coughing because the schlong is enjoying a whiskey and cigar.

Mizz P is kind, God-fearing, wise and patient. She does her best to keep one step ahead of the wayward schlong. This premise exaggerates “the lot of woman,” who must be moral and steadfast as the male wreaks havoc, gambling away the family savings and chasing underage girls. I picture some very unnerving camera footage of their battles, as Mizz Pickles and the hedonist schlong stare each other down.

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